Shades of Blonde

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Mystery of the Pork Chop Thief

We had all sat around the table and eaten our pork chops, mashed potatoes, and homemade applesauce for supper that evening. There was only one pork chop left. While clearing the table, I tossed the pork chop back into the kettle, vowing to return to clean the kitchen in a few minutes, after I had my coffee and after-dinner cigarette.

A few minutes turned into twenty. Still with a full belly, I finally trudged into the kitchen and began scraping and rinsing plates. Working my way to the range, I grabbed the kettle, and reached in for the pork chop to wrap for a future snack. It was empty. This really surprised me since everyone had made an absolute pig out of themselves at dinner, and I couldn't fathom how anyone would have room for one more bit of food in their stomach. As I finished washing dishes, I wondered who ate that leftover pork chop.

The suspects showed themselves at different intervals during the evening.

My daughter, Katie, sat down at the dining room table to start on her homework.
"Honey, did you eat the last pork chop that was left on top of the stove?" I inquired.
"Ummm, no. Mom, do you think I'm a pig or something? Are you trying to say that I am fat?"
"No, not all, I was just curious who ate it."
("Whatever" was Katie's pat response to anything for several years of her childhood.)

Nick, my oldest, strolled into the kitchen, ripped open a box of Twinkies, and inhaled three. Of course it must have been Nick, he was a bottomless pit.
"So you're the one who ate that leftover pork chop."
"What are you talking about, Mom?" he sputtered out in between bites.
"Nothing, I just wondered who ate the last pork chop."
"Wasn't me." he walked away, shrugging innocently.

I realized it couldn't have been my husband (currently my stupidest ex-husband EVER) because he had gone upstairs to watch the Sci-Fi channel immediately after dinner and hadn't come back in the kitchen since.

Just as I was returning the cinnamon to the spice rack, I stepped on something cold and rubbery. Looking down, I found the missing pork chop. It was half it's original size, and looked as if it had been mauled by a hungry wolf. As I bent down to pick it up, I noticed Woofy slinking guiltily away.
Woofy is our old Golden Retriever. She earned her name by woofing down food and slinking around like a wolf.
But the range was pretty high, and I always cook food on the back burner as a safety precaution. Unless she pulled up a step ladder, there's no way Woofy could have possibly managed her snout into that kettle.

As I lay in bed that night, I pondered over and over how Woofy could have done it. Just as Cougar, my 25 lb Siamese, jumped up on the bed to sleep in his rightful place in between my legs, it suddenly dawned on me.

This is my theory, though we'll never really know exactly how it went down:
After the coast was clear, Cougar must have leaped onto the range, reached his Siamese head into the kettle, and pierced the prized meat in between his fangs. Looking around cautiously, he jumped down, and began to make a break for it across the kitchen floor. He was probably headed for the basement, where he could shred his kill in some dark corner unnoticed. But Woofy cut him off, foiling his grand plans. I'm certain there was a momentary stand-off. Cougar would have stared at her and given his meanest low-kitty death growl. Woofy would've almost thought twice. But being the wolf she is, (and outweighing Cougar by 50 lbs.) would've snapped the sharpest, nastiest wolf snarl, and quickly snatched the pork chop from Cougar's mouth. I'm sure Cougar held on and got one good bite before Woofy started gulping it down right in front of him. Then, she heard my footsteps padding down the stairs, and dropped the meat on the floor, knowing the jig was up. Her and Cougar retreated to different corners of the kitchen, lying in wait, watching me do dishes and interrogate the household.

This is all mere speculation on my part. Cougar has since passed, so the only one who really knows what happened that night is Woofy. She will take the secret with her to her grave.


At 4:22 PM, Blogger Madeleine said...

Sounds like a typical day in my household!
Thanks for your comment earlier

At 4:56 PM, Blogger paris parfait said...

Such a funny story! Thanks for sharing this amusing mystery.

At 12:38 AM, Blogger Kim G. said...

The Great Pork Chop Mystery - one for the ages! Loved this story - could see the epic stare down between Woofy and Cougar - truly worthy opponents. Thanks for sharing it!

At 2:27 AM, Blogger Kristine said...

I'm smiling...

At 9:11 AM, Blogger Left-handed Trees... said... captured the feeling of a "day in the life" and made me laugh.

At 2:32 PM, Blogger Cate said...

Oh, I just loved this! Woofy and Cougar, partners in crime! And those names are the best, esp. Woofy!

Thank you for sharing this DELICIOUS story, as I'm sure that your furry friends felt that the porkchop in question was!

P.S. Our dog, Spot (stupid name, I know) has been poaching food a lot lately--last week, it was half a chocolate birthday cake. This morning, it was a Pop-Tart. He would like to know if Woofy would ever be interested in joining him on a spree! HA!


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